Welcome to the blog of Lauren, a 20 year old Scottish girl about to embark on the scariest trip she's ever undertaken in her life. A year abroad in Tokyo, Japan, to study at International Christian University. Not only is this trip essential to my degree, but it may also be essential to my very existence. You see, if I'm being perfectly frank, I suffer from chronic anxiety disorder (doesn't it sound scary when you put it like that?!) and I have pretty low, low self confidence. As a result, I find that I get worked up by a lot of things and spend a lot of time being worried by what other people think. I try to change myself in order to appease others, feel embarrassed by things that actually make me happy from fear of being judged by others, worry about how I look in the eyes of other people. I don't particularly find myself interesting or attractive. There are a lot of times when I feel at a loss because I become worried that I'm bothering everyone by being anxious or by having low self confidence. I compare myself far too much against others and always worry about being the least popular.
Why did I turn out that way? It might seem silly to hang on to things said and done to you years ago, but I was always shy to begin with. Being called ugly, laughed at for daring to actually fancy someone, picked on for having different interests, being generally left out of things...all of these things and more culminated in my self confidence hitting a very low point. I'm not saying absolutely all of this was intentionally done to hurt me, and perhaps I should have had more of a backbone. Perhaps it's partly my fault for taking negative things people say to heart, and being unable to move on. In any case, I feel some of that treatment was unjust and has left me in a position where I can't quite believe it when people like me. I don't think I can ever fully forgive those who did and said things like that.
That being said, I'm not completely miserable 100% of the time. I have a lot of friends who I enjoy spending time with and who invite me to go places. I've been told by some that I deal with my anxiety better than I did before hand, and sometimes I have days when I feel really happy and more confident in myself and I'm able to actually do things. I can't be that bad if people still like to talk to me.
Now, the actual point of this blog, Japan. Honestly, when I chose to do Japanese in around 2009, I knew I was suffering from some sort of mental health problem because I was kind of miserable for the most of my last year of high school. I knew I'd have to go on a year abroad in 3rd year, but I genuinely believed that by the time that 3rd year came around, I would feel more confident, confident to the extent where I could actually have no qualms about going. But that hasn't been the case. As Japan drew nearer to actually becoming a reality, I found myself becoming more and more panicked. "People like me aren't supposed to go on years abroad" and "I can't do this, I don't know what I'm doing" are phrases that pass my mind a lot. However, I'm still trying my best to go through the things I have to do, so I guess I should give myself some credit for that. Choosing ICU to go to was also a point of contention. I really, really wanted to go to Kyoto, but due to my anxiety, I had to look at universities more carefully in order to determine which one I felt I would be most comfortable with. In the end, I came out with ICU. Even now, I can't fully get excited about my year abroad. I'm worried of what people at ICU might think of me once they realise how anxious I really am. I'm worried about actually having to speak Japanese, since I tend to freeze up and become unable to do so due to fear of being judged for making mistakes. I haven't actually studied much at all this summer because I'm anxious about my Japanese skills being poor.
So, on my year abroad, whilst I am obviously expected to improve immensely in Japanese, I also have to consider how to build my self confidence up and live as an individual who can believe the fact people like her without having to double check. It's true what they say about mental health issues carrying a huge stigma. Even by publishing this entry, I'm worried over the reaction I might receive from people I know, or those who found my blog through google. I'd please ask you, however, not to judge me purely on the fact that there are times when I become unsure of myself, and obviously not to judge me on this one blog entry detailing my honest feelings. Day to day, I'm usually willing to converse with people, go places, try new things, and have fun, even if it takes me a bit longer than others to become accustomed to things. I'm a huge lover of J-pop, K-pop, cats, J-dramas, karaoke/pretending I can sing, TV, cute things, video games, etc. With some feminism/equal rights thrown in. So don't expect my blog to be completely depressing - I have good days, too! But do expect a little bit of good natured fangirling. Sorry, guys.
On a lighter note, the next blog entry is going to be about how you get a visa. Because god knows I asked so many questions about how to get that visa I should work at the consulate. Also here's a shout out to Richard who kept pestering me to start the blog. Thanks, Richard.
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